Best Beer Of All

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

A Kind Lawyer

One afternoon, a lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side.

He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food.", The poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied "No, you don't understand, the grass at my home is about three feet tall!"

Johnny Reading The Bible

Little Johnny opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree. The leaf had been pressed in between pages.

"Momma, look what I found", the boy called out.

"What have you got there, Johnny?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in Little Johnny's voice he answered: "It's Adam's suit!!!!!"

Blonde Diet

There was blonde who wanted to go on a diet. She went to the doctor and asked for his advice. He said that she was going to go on a diet for three days "Eat anything and everything you want for the first two days of your diet. Then skip the third day."

So the blonde went home and ate anything and everything she wanted for the first two days, then she skipped the third day.

The next day she went back to the doctor and he asked her, "How is your diet?"


She said, "Well, the first two days were easy but that third day was hard. Doing all that skipping made me really tired."

Satan's Sister

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church.

Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!!

Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence.

This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"

The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"

The man says, "Nope, sure isn’t."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"

"Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

Pastor Fuzz

The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do. He walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. "Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up laying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here buddy, we won't have any of that carrying around in this bar!"

The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."

The bartender nodded and said, "Hell then, if you're that far in, you might as well finish up."

During a Propaganda Tour

During a propaganda tour, President Bush visits a school to explain his Politics to kids. He invites the kids to ask him questions. Bobby stands Up and tells him "Mr. President, I got 3 questions:"

1. How come, that although the count of votes was not in your favor, you Still won the election?

2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without an imminent reason?

3. Don't you also consider the bombing of Hiroshima the biggest terrorist attack of all times?

Before the president can answer, the recess bell rings, and the kids leave the room. After they came back, Bush invited them again to ask questions. Joey stands up and tells him "Mr. President, I got 5 questions:"

1. How come, that although the count of votes was not in your favor, you Still won the election?

2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without an imminent reason?

3. Don't you also consider the bombing of Hiroshima the biggest terrorist Attack of all times?

4. Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?

5. Where's Bobby?

The Boss

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be boss. the brain said,
''I should be boss because i control the whole body's responses and functions.'' The feet said, ''We should be boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.'' The hands said, ''We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.'' and so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up.

All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the boss. So, the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time, the eyes
became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began
to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually, they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Moral of the story: you don't need brains to be a boss - any asshole will do.

White Horse

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said,
"Who owns the big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces,
"Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know -
you left your Injun running..."

Garbage

A man visited a woman when her husband was at work. Unexpectedly the husband came home earlier than usual. As the husband rang the bell, the lover panicked, but the woman said calmly, "Don't be nervous. Just dress and wait a minute."

Then she picked up a garbage can from the kitchen, walked to the entrance, opened the door and said, "Darling, before taking off your coat, would you please carry out this garbage?" Before the husband returned, the lover had dressed and left the apartment unnoticed. As he walked home, he thought, "What a smart woman. My chicken of a wife would never come up with such an idea."

He came to the door of his apartment, rang the bell, his wife appeared in the doorway and said, "Darling, before taking off your coat, would you please carry out this garbage?"

Made In Japan

There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing.

On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport.

During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"

And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport.

The fare was US$300. The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!"

There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"

Who's The Mightiest Of All?

There was this tiger who woke up one morning and just felt great. He just felt
so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"

This poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one is mightier than you."

A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"

The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."

The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"

Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of orange and black, and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree.

The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says: "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so mad."

Jelly Beans

Three little boys went into a candy store. " I want two cents worth of jelly beans," the first boy said to the clerk. The clerk frowned. The jelly beans were on the top self, and he didn't like climbing up there just to sell two cents worth. But he did it. When he came down, he put away his ladder and turned to the second boy.

"What will you have?" he asked.

"I'll have two cents worth of jelly beans, too," said the boy. Angrily, the clerk got the ladder and climbed up to get the jelly beans. While he was still up there, he turned to the third boy.

"You don't want two cents worth of jelly beans, do you?" asked the man.

"No, sir," answered the third boy. So the man climbed down and put away the ladder.

"Now, what do you want?" the clerk asked the boy.

"A nickel worth of the jelly beans," replied the lad.

Gotta Love This Guy

This is a true story about a recent wedding that took

place at Clemson University . It was in the local

newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.

After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up

on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd.

He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many

from long distances, to support them at their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family

and to thank his new father-in-law for providing

such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted

to give everyone a special gift just from him.

So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including

the wedding party was an envelope.

He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked

them to open the envelop
Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy

photo of his bride having sex with the best man.

The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier

and had hired a private detective to tail them.




After just standing there, just watching the guests'

reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the

best man and said, 'F---you!'

Then he turned to his bride and said, 'F--- you!'

Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd smiled

and said ... 'I'm Outta Here.'

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.

While most people would have cancelled the wedding

immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy

goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge, making the bride's parents pay over

$32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception,

and best of all, trashing the bride's and best

man's reputations in front of 300 friends

and family members.

This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard

'priceless' commercial out of this ?

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family

members and friends: $32,000.

Photographs commemorating the occasion: $3,000.

Honeymoon accommodations in Maui : $8,500.

The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy

photo of the bride humping the best man ... Priceless.




There are some things money can't buy, for everything

else there's ... MASTERCARD

Nude Gambling

Two bored, male casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet $20,000.00 on a single roll of the, dice. She said, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude."

With that she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed, "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don’t know - I thought you were watching."

A Very Bad Day

This guy is sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink.

He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making bully steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The bully says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Tell ya what; I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss was outraged and fired me. When I left the building to go to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, paid the cab driver, and the cab drove off. It was then I found that I left my wallet in the cab. I finally got home only to find my wife was in bed with another man. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up......


and drink my poison..."

Drunk, Really Drunk...

A drunk goes into a bar. He is very, very drunk - can hardly stand up. He slurs his way up to the bar and says:

"Hey, bartender! Gimme a martini!"

"No, no," says the bartender. "You've had too much already."

The drunk spies a dart board behind the bar.

"Tell you what," he says. "If I can throw three bull's eyes with that dart set would you let me have the drink?"

"Sure," says the bartender, thinking the guy would leave after the little game. He hands the drunk three darts. "Look out, everybody!"

Zot, zot, zot. The drunk throws three quick bull's eyes.

Well, the bartender had never seen anything like that before, but he has to make good on the wager, so he makes a martini and sets it before the drunk. He then puts a napkin next to the drink and sets a turtle on it.

"What's this," says the drunk.

"That's a prize for such fine dart throwing," says the bartender.

The drunk drinks his martini, picks up the turtle, puts it in his coat pocket, and leaves.

Well, the next night, the same drunk goes into the same bar. Again, he is hopelessly inebriated; totally faced.

"Bartender," he says. "Gimme a martini!"

"No, no," says the bartender. "You're too drunk already. Go home."

Again the drunk notices the darts.

"If I can throw three bull's eyes would you gimme the martini?" he asks.

The bartender thinks, "This guy can't be that lucky again. I'll get rid of him."

"Sure, sure," he says, handing the darts over.

Bip, bip, bip. Three bull's eyes.

"Holy cow," says the bartender, and he gives the drunk guy a martini. Again, he sets a turtle next to it.

"What's this?" asks the drunk.

"That's a prize for being such a good shot."

"Oh," says the drunk, and he quaffs his martini, puts the turtle in his coat pocket, and leaves.

Believe it or not, the very next night the same drunk enters the same bar.

"Gimme a martini!" he demands.

"No, no," says the bartender. "You've been overserved already. Get on home."

Spying the dart board once more, the drunk guy says:"Would tossing three bull's eyes prove that I'm not overserved?"

The bartender can't believe that anybody this drunk could possibly hit the dart board, let alone get three bull's eyes.

"OK," he says, forking over the three darts.

The drunk deftly grabs all three darts and tosses them simultaneously.

Thwock! All three darts land solidly in the bull's eye!

"Unbelievable!" says the incredulous bartender. True to his word, he prepares a martini and sets it before the drunk guy. He then lays a beautiful long-stem rose on the bar next to the cocktail.

"What's this?" asks the drunk.

"That's a special prize for being so good at darts," says the bartender.

"Oh," says the drunk. "All out of roast beef on a hard roll, huh?"

Condom Buying

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out and I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that.

Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

He leans over to her and says...
"You never told me that your father is a pharmacist!"

Top 10 Funny Insurance Claim

10. I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.

9. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

8. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

7. I was on the way to the doctor with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.

6. As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

5. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.

4. My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.

3. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

2. I told the police that I was not injured, but, on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.

1. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

Exciting Period.

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period," said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"

"Damned if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

Top Rejected Dr Seuss Books

How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day

Marvin K. Mooney, Get the F*ck Out!

The Cat in the Microwave

Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert

Your Colon Can Moo-Can You?

The Fox in Detox

The Grinch's Ten Inches

One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch

Zippy the Gerbil

My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket

Who Shat in the Hat?

Horton Hires a Ho

Aunts in My Pants

The Flesh-Eating Lorax

Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff!

Yentl the Lentil

Top Theme Songs For Viagra

I am a Rock -- Paul Simon

Suddenly -- B. Ocean

A Hard Days Night -- The Beatles

Please Mr. Postman

Can't Buy Me Love (Now you can. -- The Beatles

Do That To Me One More Time -- Captain and Tenille

Everlasting Love -- The Bee Gees

Take Me Out To The Ballgame

Let Your Love Flow -- L. E. Williams

Longer -- Dan Fogelberg

No Ordinary Love -- Sade

Help Me Make It Through the Night

Love Takes Time (about an hour wait - according to Pfizer) -- Mariah Carey

The Power of Love -- Celine Dion

The Things We Do For Love -- 10CC

We've Only Just Begun -- Paul Williams

Have You Never Been Mello -- Kris Kristofferson

Girls Just Want To Have Fun -- Cindy Lauper

When I'm 64 -- The Beatles

Rivalry

Two cyclone Fans board a flight to Iowa for the Cy-Hawk game. One sits in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a hawkeye fan sits in the seat by the aisle. The hawkeye kicks off his shoes, wiggle his toes, and starts to settle in, when the cyclone in the window seat says, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," says the hawkeye, "I'm by the aisle. I'll get it for you."

While he's gone, one of the cyclones picks up the hawkeye's shoe and spits in it. When he returns with the coke, the other cyclone says, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the hawkeye obligingly fetches the drink. While he's gone, the other cyclone picks up the other shoe and spits in it.

The hawkeye comes back and they all sit back and enjoy the flight. As the plane is landing, however, the hawkeye slips his feet into his shoes and realizes immediately what has happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asks the cyclones. "This fighting between our teams? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

Final Exam

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.

His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

The Wisdon of Age

An old farmer in Darwin had owned a large property for several years.
He had a large dam in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, palm trees, and some avocado and mango trees.
The dam was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the dam. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned and grumbled, "I didn't come down here to watch you young ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked." Holding the bucket up he yelled, "I'm here to feed the crocodiles."

Deadly Habits

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker and the other was a homosexual.

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."

The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey.

No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."

College Exam

The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.

A smart ass student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. 'But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?' As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter.

When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look. 'Well,' he responded, 'I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand.'

Falling Down Drunk

A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call, the drunk stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time, to the same result.

He figured he'd crawl outside to get some fresh air, since maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his house.

When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.

He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.

This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep the second his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning by his wife shouting, "So you've been out drinking again, have you?!"

"No! What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on his best innocent expression.

"The bar called... you forgot your wheelchair again."

Alot of Valentines

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing ''Love'' stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
''I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
''But why?'' asks the man.
''I'm a divorce lawyer."

Almost Perfect Life

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young jogger comes by and asks him what is the matter.

The old man says, "I'm a multimillionaire, I have a great big house, the fastest car in the world and I just married a beautiful blonde bombshell who satisfies me every night in bed whether I like it or not (sob)."

The young jogger says, "Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for in my life. What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?"

The old man says, "I can't remember where I live."