Frank the Chili Taster

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out.

Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.

I'm getting shit-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.

Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.

FRANK: -------------- (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable To report)

Anesthesia Drugs

A man was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife was sitting at his bedside.

His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "Youre beautiful."

Flattered, the wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep.

Later, her husband woke up and said, "Youre cute."

Startled, she asked him, "What happened to beautiful?"

"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.

Gender Roles

A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.

She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines"

Juggler

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"

The Pirate

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven’t seen
you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine
now."

"Well, ok, but what about that hook? "What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.
My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up
and one of them Shit in my eye."

"You’re kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn’t lose an eye
just from some bird Shit."

"It was my first day with the hook."

Winking Problem

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry...we can’t hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I’m a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

Funny High Five

Job Interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

Bank Teller

A middle aged man walks into the bank and says to the young teller, "I want to open a fucking checking account". "Please sir", she replies, "we can't have language like that in here." "Why the Fuck not?" he asked. "Sir," Came her retort, "I must ask you to refrain from swearing." "I don't give a shit what you want," he answers, "I just want to open a fucking checking account." With this the teller leaves and returns in a moment with her branch manager. The manager asks if he might be able to help the gentleman. "Shit yes", came the reply, "I just won 14 million dollars in the lottery and want to open a fucking checking account." The branch manager says, "I see, and this stupid, fucking, bitch is giving you a hard time?

Grandma's Letter

She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.

She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed...

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, ' For the love of God! '

' Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out

the window and gave him the good luck sign right back .

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

Shortest Books Ever Written

1. HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY by Jane Fonda


2. MY BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno


3. HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE by John Denver


4. MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS by Dan Marino


5. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton


6. MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE by Osama Bin Laden


7. THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates


8. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman


9. MY WILD YEARS by Al Gore


10. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

1. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS


12. DETROIT: A Travel Guide


13. LIVING WITH DISEASE by DR. J. Kevorkian


14. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN


15. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN


16. ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen de Generes


17. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE


18. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by the EPA


19. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY


20. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O. J. Simpson


21. MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton, introduction by The Rev. Jessie Jackson

Disappear

Because I’m blonde?

A girl came skipping home FROM school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, Honey, it’s because you’re blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, Honey, it’s because you’re blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I’m blonde, mommy?"

"No, Honey, it’s because you’re 25."

Stop Or Slow Down?

A Lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies expense.

Deputy says, “License and registration, please.”

Lawyer says, “What for?”

Deputy says, “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign”

Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”

Deputy says, “You still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.”

Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”

Deputy says, “The difference is you have to come to a complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!”

Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket.”

Deputy says, “Exit your vehicle, sir.”

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving snot out of the lawyer and says “Do you want me to stop or just slow down?”

Beauty Cream

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

"Why do you do that, Mommy?"

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

Sick Husband

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die".

1.Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.

2.At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.

3.For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores.

4.Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had told her.

"You're going to die," she replied.

Tax Rebates

President George Bush said each one of us would get a $600.00 tax rebate. It was previously slated to be $800.00, but they dropped it to a $600.00 tax rebate because of various budget problems.

Now, if we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China, if we spend it on computers, most of the money will go to Korea or India. If we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs ..... and none of these scenarios will help the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America .....so the only way to keep that money here at home is to drink beer, gamble, or spend it on prostitution. Currently it seems that these are the only businesses still left in the U.S.

I'm Elliot Spitzer and I approve of this message....

Dormitory Rules

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

WalMart Urinalysis

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Walmart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars ... a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Walmart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to Walmart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
and
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Fun Things To Do At Wal-Mart

1. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they don't realize it.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor, leading to the restrooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.
5. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Put M&M's on layaway.
8. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
10. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
11. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
12. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
13. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
14. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
15. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.
16. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."
17. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
18. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
19. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me! pick me!!"
20. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
21. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
22. Go into the dressing room and yell real loud ..."Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here!"

Sex?

A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients.

However, a little voice in his head said Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients, ... so it's not like you're the first ...

This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, but then again ... they probably weren't veterinarians ...

Greiving Widow

Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down next to the grieving widow. "How old was your husband?" he asked.

"He was ninety-eight," she answered softly. "Two years older than I am."

"Really?" the undertaker said. "Hardly worth going home, wouldn't you say?"

Blonde Suicide

A blonde and a brunette are living together. The brunette came home from work one day and the blonde had a rope around her waist. The brunette asked why the rope was around her waist. The blonde said that she was trying to commit suicide. The brunette said, "You put it around your neck!" The blonde replied, "I tried that but I couldn't breathe!

The Porsche

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began
to yell and scream,

"Where did you get that car?"

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents.

We know what a Porsche costs.."

"Well," said the! boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like
that for fifteen dollars," they asked.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don't know her name,
they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I
wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."

"Oh my Goodness," moaned the mother, "She must be a child abuser. Who
knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see
what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady
lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He
introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a
Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "This morning I got a phone call from my husband. I
thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has
run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to
come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new
Porsche and send him the money. So I did."

Extra Spoon

For all of you who frequent restaurants and understand the need for the
service to be faster, this short story is a timeless lesson on how
consultants can make a difference to an organization.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When another waiter brought our water, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well", he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time! I go to the kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter,

"Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice.

"Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tyi ng this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.".

Quotes

You must not think me necessarily foolish because I am facetious, nor will I consider you necessarily wise because you are grave.
- Sydney Smith

We don't see things as they are, we see things as we are.
- Anais Nin

After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations.
- H. L. Mencken

Music with dinner is an insult both to the cook and the violinist.
- G. K. Chesterton

Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter can be said to remedy anything.
- Kurt Vonnegut

Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.
- Barry LePatner

The goal of all inanimate objects is to resist man and ultimately defeat him.
- Russell Baker

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half the time.
- E. B. White

I hate television. I hate it as much as I hate peanuts. But I can't stop eating peanuts.
- Orson Welles

The only way to be truly misogynistic is to be a woman.
- Randy K. Milholland

Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives.
- William Dement

Anyone who works is a fool. I don't work - I merely inflict myself upon the public.
- Robert Morley

Vote early and vote often.
- Al Capone

You must not think me necessarily foolish because I am facetious, nor will I consider you necessarily wise because you are grave.
- Sydney Smith

We don't see things as they are, we see things as we are.
- Anais Nin

After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations.
- H. L. Mencken

Music with dinner is an insult both to the cook and the violinist.
- G. K. Chesterton

Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter can be said to remedy anything.
- Kurt Vonnegut

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
-Frank Sinatra

Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls.
-Timothy Walsh

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
-Anonymous

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
-W.C. Fields

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
-Henny Youngman

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
-Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven...
-Brian O'Rourke

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline... it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
-Frank Zappa

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
-Winston Churchill

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
-Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
-Humphrey Bogart

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.

-Homer Simpson

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
- Billy Crystal

I know who I am. No one else knows who I am. If I was a giraffe, and someone said I was a snake, I'd think, no, actually I'm a giraffe.
- Richard Gere

In great affairs men show themselves as they wish to be seen; in small things they show themselves as they are.
- Nicholas Chamfort

Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest men in national government too.
- Richard M. Nixon

No man's life, liberty or property are safe while the legislature is in session.
- Judge Gideon J. Tucker

Leave it to a girl to take the fun out of sex discrimination.
- Bill Watterson

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
- Abraham Lincoln

He's the kind of a guy who lights up a room just by flicking a switch.
- Unknown

Putting Away Their Differences

One foggy night, a Hawkeye fan was heading home from Iowa City and a Cyclone fan was driving home from Ames. While crossing a narrow bridge, they hit each other head-on, mangling both cars.

The Cyclone fan manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I'm lucky to be alive!"

Likewise, the Hawkeye fan gets out of his car uninjured, he too feeling fortunate to have survived.

The Cyclone fan walks over to the Hawkeye fan and says, "Hey, man, I think this is a sign that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of being rivals."

The Hawkeye fan thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. In fact, I'm going to see if something else survived the wreck."

The Hawkeye fan then pops open his trunk and removes a full, undamaged bottle of Jack Daniel's. He says to the Cyclone, "I think this is another sign- we should toast to our newfound friendship." The Cyclone fan agrees and grabs the bottle. After sucking down half of the bottle, the Cyclone fan hands it back to the Hawkeye fan and says, "Your turn!"

The Hawkeye fan calmly twists the cap back on the bottle, throws the rest of the bottle over the bridge into the river and says, "Nah, I think I'll just wait for the cops to show up."

Favorite Team

One day in an elementary school in Ames Iowa, a teacher asks her class if the Iowa State Cyclones are their favorite football team. The whole class says yes except for Little Johnny.

The teacher asks, "What's your favorite football team Johnny?"

Little Johnny says, "The Iowa Hawkeyes."

The teacher asks, "Well, why is that?"

Little Johnny says, "Well, my dad is a Hawkeye fan, my mom is a Hawkeye fan, I guess that makes me a Hawkeye fan."

The teacher angered by his reply says, "If your dad was a moron and your mom was an idiot what would that make you?"

Little Johnny says, "Well, I guess that would make me a Iowa State fan."

Black Box

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were,

"Oh, Shit!"

Only the state of Alabama was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were:

"Hold my beer and watch this!"

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