Blonde With Car Parts

A blonde woman walks into an auto parts store and the parts man asks how she is doing and what can he do for her.

The blonde replies, "Fine, I need a seven-ten cap for my car."

The man asks," A seven-ten cap? Where does it go, I’ve never heard of such a thing?"

The blonde angrily replies, "It goes on top of the engine and don’t think just because I’m blonde I don’t know what I’m talking about!!"

Perplexed, the parts man asks if she would draw him a picture and maybe help him out in figuring out what it is she needs.

Reader: Draw the number 710 in the middle of the paper and draw a circle around the whole number. Now turn the paper upside down.

How Do You LIke That?!

A woman goes to the hospital, and her doctor gives her a sonogram. He sees the baby and suddenly the baby says, “Are you my daddy?” The doctor is shocked and goes to get another doctor, who looks at the sonogram. The baby says again, “Are you my daddy?” The doctor says, “No, I'm not your father.”

They go to get the dad, the father looks at his baby boy and the baby asked, “Are you my daddy?” And the father says, “Yes, I am!” So, the baby pops out of the mother's womb, picks up his hand, and starts poking the father in the head while saying, “How do you like that?! How do you like that?!”

Viagra Generic Name

In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name, Tylenol is Acetaminophen, Advil is Ibuprofen, and so on ...

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced today that they have settled on:

Mycoxafloppin.

Observations

A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a classoom observation. He took out a jar of yellow liquid. "This," he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and taste."

After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth."

An Old Man And The Police

George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife

told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom

window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in

the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer

will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again..

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my

shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic,

and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Pleasing Women

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in London, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to leave the building!"

So, a woman goes to the New Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4! - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 -These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor.

The sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the New Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives Store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

I Think I Can

A third grade teacher always took role call each morning and had the pupils’ answer by reciting a short poem.

The first kid sat in the first row was a teachers pet. He stood and said, "My name is Dan, and when I become a man, I would like to go to Japan if I can, and I think I can."

The next kid was a little girl who sat in the middle of the room. She stood up and answered the roll call by stating, "My name is Suzy, and when I become a lady I would like to have a baby...if I can, and I think I can."

The next on the list was Little Johnny, a smart guy sitting in the back of the room. He stood up and said, "My name is Johnny, and I don’t give a damn about Japan but I would like to help Suzy in her plan if I can....and I think can!"

Nothing To Worry About

In a second grade sex education class, little Mary asks, "teacher, can my momma get pregnant?"

The teacher asks, "how old is your mother?"

Little Mary says, "forty".

The teacher says, "yes, your mother could get pregnant."

The little girl asks, "can my big sister get pregnant?"

The teacher asks, "how old is your sister?"

Little Mary answers, "nineteen".

The teacher says, "oh my yes, your sister certainly could get pregnant."

The little girl asks, "can I get pregnant?"

The teacher asks, "how old are you?"

Mary says "I’m seven years old".

The teacher says, "no, you can’t get pregnant."

Little Johnny, who is sitting behind little mary, gives her a poke and says, "see, I told you we had nothing to worry about

Blondes Money

A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7 AM." Signed, "The Blonde".

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.

Inside the bag was the following note. "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."

Blonde With TV

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money." Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump." The blond replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money.

DUI - Texas Style

(Only a person from Texas could think of this.)

From the county where drunk driving is almost considered a sport, comes

this true story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Austin , Texas ..

After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently

intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the

officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he

tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his

car and fall into it.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar

and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and

off--it was a fine, dry summer night-- flicked the blinkers on and off a

couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then

remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other

patrons' vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out

and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up

his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over

and administered a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the

Breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any

alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to

accompany me to the police station. This Breathalyzer equipment must be broken.

I doubt it,' said the truly proud Redneck. 'Tonight I am the designated

decoy.'

Yes Dear

The first grade class gathered around the teacher for a game of "Guess

the Animal". The first picture the teacher held up was of a cat.

"Okay, boys and girls," she said brightly, "can anyone tell me what

this is?"

"I know, I know, it’s a cat!" yelled a little boy.

"Very good, Eddie. Now, who knows what this animal is called?"

"That’s a dog!" piped up the same little boy.

"Right, again. And what about this animal?" she asked, holding up a

picture of a deer.

Silence fell over the class. After a minute or two, the teacher said,

"I’ll give you a hint, children...it’s something you’re mother calls

your father".

"I know, I know," screamed Eddie. It’s a horny bastard!"

A Blonde in Trouble

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble.

Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's desperate, so she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray ... 'God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery.'

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays ... 'God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.'

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays ... 'My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house and my car. I don't often ask You for help and I've always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time, so I can get my life back in order.'

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself ...

'Sweetheart, work with Me on this ... Buy a ticket.'

The Bull

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.

The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.

I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.

She'll read it very slowly.... 'com-for-da-bul.'

The Good Grandpa

A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather

and his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that Gramps has his hands full with the

child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the

cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda in their respective

aisles.

Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a

controlled voice,

"Easy, Albert, We won't be long -- easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears Gramps calmly say, "It's okay,

Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here.

Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart,

and Gramps -again in a controlled voice- says, "Albert, Albert,

relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay

cool, Albert."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is

loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

"You know, sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing

in there. I don't know how you did it.

That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how

loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things

would be okay. Albert is very Lucky to have you as his grandpa."

" Thanks, lady," said Gramps, "I'm Albert -- the little crap's name is Steve."

Please Explain...

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a cucumber!

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I’ll explain this . . . you explain the kids."

Please Donate

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"
The man answers:



"About a gallon"

A Bad Bet

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

Brunette Jokes

Q. What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch?
A. A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.

Q. What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette?
A. Brown-bagging it.

Q. What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?
A. No one else wants it.

Q. What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
A. Invisible.

Q. What's a brunette's mating call?
A. "Has the blonde left yet? "

Q. Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes?
A. The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.

Q. Why is brunette considered an evil color?
A. When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?

Q. What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
A. The invitation

Q. What do you call a good looking man with a brunette?
A. A hostage

Q. Who makes bras for brunettes?
A. Fisher-Price

Q. Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
A. It matches their moustache.

Top 10 Universal Truths

10. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

9. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

8. Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

7. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

6. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

5. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

4. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

3. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

2. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

1. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

Farts Video

Hook On Fonik

Love Game

Johnny's Anatomy Lesson

Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and said, "Johnny. This is where you come from."

Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting all his friends now refer to him as "Lucky Johnny."

"Why?" one asked.

Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this close to being a turd."

Spaghetti

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy,
he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

Inventions

NEW INVENTIONS BY BLONDES:

The water-proof towel

Glow in the dark sunglasses

Solar powered flashlight

Submarine screen door

A book on how to read

Inflatable dart board

A dictionary index

Powdered water

Pedal powered wheel chair

Water proof tea bags

Zero proof alcohol

Reusable ice cubes

Skinless bananas

Do it yourself roadmap

Alcoholic Side Effects

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an a-hole.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuem, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear".

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

Lion Tamer

two unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer."

The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."

"Yes I do!"

"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"

"Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down."

"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"

"Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down."

"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"

"Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him."

"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"

"Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of
the cage."

"Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"

"Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that."

A Blonde Job Interview

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?" The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying. "Um ... 22." The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?" The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot two!" This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics, something that she won't have to count, measure, or lookup. "Just to confirm for our records, your name please?" The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about fifteen seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, "Cindy!" The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, "What were you doing when I asked you your name?" "Oh, that!" replies the blonde," I was just running through that song, 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...'"

A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?

Is it........

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...

No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush"

Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."